As hard as it may be to believe, I don't have a particular axe to grind with Microsoft, but once again I've found one of their ads to be stupid enough to drive me into a rare posting:



That's right, Google caused our economy to fail. Youtube is the reason your father lost his job. Picasa is why your kids are fat. But a rebranded MSN search will make it all better.

Welcome to the 2008 Hatty Awards!

The general consensus (among myself) was that this year was particularly poor for hats in film, and the Hattys almost didn't happen. Luckily, I changed my mind, and after a bit of research, a clear winner emerged out of nowhere. But first, let's talk about this year's remarkably poor field. A sampler of the best picture nominees yields the following:

Frost/Nixon: very few hats. In fact, I was wondering if Nixon ever wore a hat in his life - which quickly led to this definitive answer, thanks to google image search:


Note the "Don't think I'm not going to remember this humiliation" look in his eye

Milk: very few hats.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Being a period piece, probably has its fair share of hats, but gets seriously downgraded because I hate F. Scott Fitzgerald. Listen, Scott, if that IS your real name (which it isn't), I don't care what what the rich losers in West Egg or East Egg or Pigeon Egg or Pigeon Forge are wasting their lives doing. American kids hate American Literature because they're taught you're the best we have to offer. Faulkner is spinning in his grave. And where do you think you're going, Mr. Dickens? You're responsible for this too. Do you know how many times in my life I've wanted to read a book about street urchins? Zero. Jane Austen could write circles around you with one hand tied behind her back. And she just got even better. But I digress. In any case, Benjamin Button is not going to win.

The Reader: Very few hats.

Slumdog Millionaire: Very few hats

You see what I'm up against. In the end, I only found a couple "conventional" movies that were even worth of consideration: The Changeling, because Angelina Jolie seems to be wearing jockey hat through the entire thing, and Doubt, because nuns are pure gold when it comes to headware. But still, I wasn't very happy with the field, so I did a bit of out-of-the-hatbox thinking, and found the gem known as Presto in the overlooked short-film genre. Shockingly enough, I had actually seen it (unlike everything else I review) because it was attached to Wall-E in theaters. And let me say, the film represents just about everything the Hattys stand for. If anything, it might be a bit too perfect; Pixar clearly put this out just to win the award - but I'm a big enough man to allow shameless pandering in my direction. In any case, a hat (or two hats, precisely) is absolutely central to the film's very existence. No hat, no film - it's that simple. So congratulations, Presto, the most hat-centric movie of 2008.

Soon-to-be-DMCA-takedown-noticed video follows:

Why do I always think of Phony McRingRing whenever I see any of the new Vista ads?

Phoney: Hi, I'm Phoney McRingRing, mascot and president of the
telephone company, and I'm here to explain why the
convenience of one area code in [splice] your town [end
splice] has been replaced by the convenience of two area
codes.
[cut to the audience]
Homer: Uh, I have a question, Phoney.
Lisa: It's a movie, Dad.
Homer: Quiet, honey, Daddy's asking the man a question.
[back to the film]
Phoney: You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are
great, and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees, but
how will I remember all those numbers?"
[opens a closet door, and a huge wall of numbers comes
tumbling out, burying Phoney] Whoa!
Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can
memorize ten numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey?
[cut to the audience]
Wiggum: How big of a monkey?
[back to the film]
Phoney: [laughs] Of course you're not.


Are you stupider than a 4 year old? Because that's the only reason you could possibly dislike the Vista user expereince.

disclaimer: I recently tried Vista SP1 and it's really not that bad if you have a high end machine and customize the heck out of it - I just dont like ads that insult my intelligence

Hey, I'm not dead, how about that!

IMG_3847
Originally uploaded by lmf71080

IMG_3844
Originally uploaded by lmf71080

I'm here today because I recently returned from a trip to California* and had to issue a warning to all those thinking about traveling on Northwest in the future. I could talk about how they lost my only checked bag in Minneapolis, but that's a story we've all experienced already. Instead, I have a story from my return layover in Minneapolis (all Northwest flights, like the rest of the world's evils, go through Minneapolis). While waiting at our gate, I was keeping an eye on the video screens arcross the hall because I had noticed one monitor displaying an all-to-familiar BIOS-level message asking for a floppy boot disk. Amused, I kept watching, and a few minutes later all the screens recycled. I imagined a panicked staffer running through the airport corridors with a 3 1/2 floppy. In any case, the reboot must not have fixed the problem, because the prompt was still there afterward, and much to my amusement I saw a another familiar sight, a windows error pop-up bridging two other screens. This one was an error I've seen too often at work (before we moved to Linux), warning that the windows system event log was full. With this peek into the inner working of the Northwest/Minneapolis airport infrastructure fresh in my mind, my earlier lost luggage debacle became more understandable.

I took some pictures for posterity, but I have to apologize for the blurriness, I had to be covert for fear of being dragged off by security. Of course Lisa thought I was crazy for finding humor in this, but I'm used to that by now.


* We rented a Kia Rio to drive around the coast. One of the buttons on the radio was labeled "CAT FOLDER". I am assuming this is for on-the-go commuters who need to fit felines into small spaces, but I could be wrong. In any case, we didn't have a cat with us, so I didn't get to try it out.

Sorry about the midseason break, I meant to do picks last week but was preoccupied by attending the Bears beatdown last week. Considering the last time I went to Lambeau I saw the Vikings get taken to the woodshed, I think I see a trend here: Lucas Attendance = Packers landslide. Pay attention, Mark Murphy.

CIN at PIT: Nobody cares if I cheat, right? PIT.

PHI at BAL: I could make a "Donovan McNabb overtime" joke here, but instead I'll make fun of Joe Flacco's appearance. You are one gangly guy, Joe. Haw haw. PHI.

BUF at KC: Ok, I want to know who told Trent Edwards he was playing way over his head, because they broke his brain, apparently. BUF.

CHI at STL: As much as I can wish for a Rams win, it ain't gonna happen. CHI.

NYJ at TEN: Seems like a logical spot for the Titans to get their first loss, but I don't see it. TEN.

NE at MIA: Come on Miami, it's time: Ronne Brown = Full Time QB, Chad Pennington = Full Time Receiver. MIA.

MIN at JAC: Lisa and I can actually root together on this one. JAC.

SF at DAL: Dallas didn't win last week, Washington lost. Lets not get ahead of ourselves, Cowboys fans. DAL.

OAK at DEN: Was this a rivalry at some point? Several centuries ago? DEN.

CAR at ATL: No doubt, one of these two teams will win the AFC South (sorry Bucs) CAR.

NYG at ARI: Measuring stick time for the Cards. Let's go with the upset special. ARI.

WAS at SEA: GIDCAOTW. No pick.

IND at SD: The Chargers are on the edge, and Indy actually isn't as good as its record. SD.

GB at NO: A worrisome game, but one that must be won. GB.