Saturday, October 30, 2004

Seems like things are getting back to normal, which is all good, as far as I'm concerned. First, the website version weirdness appears to have subsided; Second, the Packers are back on track; and Third, after a stellar outing last week, I'm now neck & neck with Chris and ready to regain my rightful place at #1 in the near future. So let's do this thing...

ARI at BUF. Those great Bills teams of the past are really starting to become foggy in my memory. And now, I'm picking the Cardinals over them. Congrats, Cards - you get to play a team that's not better than you. ARI.

BAL at PHI. A better person than I wouldn't be saying "I told you so" about Brian Westbrook right now. I remember when Dorsey Levens was on the downside of his career back when he was with the Packers, and that was in 1998. I wanted to talk about T.O. and his B.O. as well, but that will have to wait until next week, as I have too much commentary for this pick already... BAL.

CIN at TEN. The Titans' season hangs in the balance, and the Bengals really aren't very good. TEN.

DET at DAL. The Cowboys looked as godawful as any team I've ever seen against the Packers last week. But then the Lions also stunk up the joint when they played the Packers two weeks ago. Guess I'll go with the team that needs it more. I don't think I've ever picked Detroit before - no need to end that streak now. DAL.

GB at WAS. Everyone talks about this being the presidential pick game, but they're missing the real issue - the Redskins and their overwhelming suckiness. GB.

IND at KC. Yes, the chiefs desperately need this one, but I'm sure they'll come in wildly overconfident. They might put up the same number of points they did last week, but they'll allow about 5000% more. IND.

JAX at TEX. I'm sorry for doubting you, Jags. I'll never make that mistake again. JAX.

NY vs. MIN. Last year, the Queen's season turned around following a shocking midseason defeat at home by the Giants. Revenge time? Nope - most of the Vikings were high at the time, and are unlikely to remember those prior transgressions. NY.

ATL at DEN. Michael Vick + West Coast Offense = Trouble. Falcon's defense = quitters. DEN.

CAR at SEA. I'd like to see every memeber of the media who predicted the super bowl for the Seahawks be required to go on live TV and apologize to america. CAR.

NE at PIT. The time feels right, what can I say? Upset Special. PIT.

OAK at SD. I'm soooo on board the Jesse Chatman train. Time to look for another career, LT. SD.

SF vs CHI. We have a runaway winner for "Game I Don't Care About Of The Week". I'm practially delirious thinking about all the possible quarterback matchup permutations in this one. Will it be Craig Krynzel vs. Ken Dorsey? Or Tim Rattay vs. Jonathan Quinn? Or a last minute fly-in by Tim Couch and Steve Bono? The possibilities are endless! SF.

MIA at NYJ. Curtis Martin is so old, he remembers when the grounds crew had to use a horse-drawn mower. NYJ.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

I understand that some people are not seeing my previous post on this site - they're still getting an old version from two weeks ago. In fact, right now, I have no idea if anyone besides me is going to be able to read this post. While I try to figure out what's going on, I'm going to put up this week's picks, so I'll have a record if and when things go pack to normal. (Right now I'm operating the theory that Chris is using his Master of Science powers against me - two can play at that game)

The picks will be straighforward until I see that someone else can read them ....















This will be quite the day of reckoning, almost all my picks are different than Chris's....

Saturday, October 16, 2004

After nearly a decade of programming and even longer playing video games, I think I've finally had one of those "eureka" moments - an idea for a new, innovative game that's sure to be the next killer app for whichever platform is lucky enough to buy the license. The idea is simple - take two people who have fundemental philsophical differences and pit them against each other in a no-holes-barred head-to-head matchup - Dance Dance Conflict Resolution. You and your opponent pound out your steps on a standard footpad and are judged not only by the accuracy of your steps but also the validity of any verbal or written arguments you can make during the session. Only a powerful combination of physical & mental prowess will allow you to succeed. The superior dancer's viewpoints will then be uploaded to a centralized server and considered to be pseudo-binding in a "The People's Court" sense. There will be a separate breakdancing appeals court (separate pad not included).

With America as contentious, exercise conscious, and video-game-loving as it's ever been, it's hard to image how this could not make oodles of money. Too bad it wasn't around for the aftermath of the 2000 election. I would have been much more willing to accept a resolution if it came from this game rather than the Supreme Court. Patent pending.

And there's that ugly matter of picks. If this was last year, I'd have turned the reigns over to Lisa long ago, but I'm trying to maintain my composure this year. Don't be surprised if you see her in the near future, though.

CAR at PHI: That little ballerina Westbrook will get hurt sooner or later, I guarantee it. PHI.

GB at DET: It's very hard to find rationalizations for picking GB these days, but against the far-over-their-head Lions it's not that bad. GB.

KC at JAX: The Jags are showing enough signs of weakness to have me a bit concerned about their "divinity-backed" status. It must be something that Lisa did. JAX.

SD at ATL: I hope the rest of the country is starting to see what I've seen in the Falcons all year. You're not doing something right if you get beat by the Lions. Also, I think I have a fantasy football crush on Antonio Gates. SD.

SF at NYJ: True Fact: Curtis Martin is the only running back in the league who began playing before the NFL-AFL merger. He had some great seasons for the New York Titans... NYJ.

CIN at CLE: Is there any conference that can ratchet up the boring level like the AFC North? Every week they seem to outdo themselves. CIN.

HOU at TEN: Oh yes, the patented "Confuse Lucas" matchup. These kinds of things are very difficult for somebody who still, in their heart of hearts, believes Steve McNair plays for the Houston Oilers. TEN.

MIA at BUF: It seems like every week we see a "big time rivalry" matchup between two utterly uninteresting teams. Kind of sad. I miss Brian Cox mouthing off. BUF.

SEA at NE: Everyone says Seattle is primed to end the Pats' streak. I would say that when a team blows a huge lead in the fourth quarter, it doesn't mean they're going to play harder next week, it means they're losers. NE.

WAS at CHI: I hope everyone is having as much fun as I am watching every single Daniel Snyder experiment over the past five years fall flat on its face. How did this guy get rich, again? CHI.

DEN at OAK: Who would have thought that Sebastian Janikowski would not turn out to be the most screwball Raiders placekicker in the past decade? Thank you, Mr. Cole Ford. DEN.

PIT at DAL: I went out of my way to pick the Cowboys last week. It is clear now that I was temporarily insane. PIT.

MIN at NO: Ah, the head cases vs. the junior head cases. Mike McKenzie, I believe you've found a home. Upset special. NO.

TB at STL: Tampa Bay owned St. Louis even when the Rams were the best team in the league. The Rams have fallen far since then, but, amazingly, the Bucs have fallen further. STL.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Every once in a while, the fates align just right and make you do something that you had been quite sure you'd never do in your life. Like get an aquamassage. It all started a week or so ago when my boss annouced he was taking everyone in our department out to eat, as he occasionally does. He said he'd be taking us to the local mall's food court - an odd choice, to be sure, but I'm not one to turn down a free meal even if it does come out of a shop about the size of a broom closet. So, we arrived at the food court, and then proceeded straight past it towards a bank of those cryogenic-looking tubes that seem to be cropping up in malls everywhere. They're almost as much of a fixture nowadays as all the nicely-dressed 24-year-old liberal arts majors who are resposible for running 90% of the mall kiosks in America.

But anyway, my boss's "surprise" was free 10-minute aquamassages for everyone. Trying to be a good corporate citizen, and having seen the machine in action on some hopeless dope previously (unlike one of my poor coworkers, a young woman from India who was told by my boss to "not worry, you'll dry off quickly"), I decided to throw caution to the wind and accept. Immediately after which, I decided to be a wuss and ask only for "medium" intensity, which turned out to be plenty intensity. Without going into too much detail, I'll simply say that it was relaxing, loud, refreshing, and slightly malodorous all at the same time. Afterwards, I felt better, but not "I'd pay money for this" better. So, if you've stolen one of these machines recently, I'd recommend you go ahead and try it. Otherwise, you're probably better off doing what I used to do - look and laugh at any old sap bold enough to try it.

Oh, and I have NFL picks, posted simultaneously on every single one of George Bush's "Internets" this evening ...

DET at ATL. Atlanta's 4-0, and they still haven't shown me anything. Granted, I haven't technically seen any of their games, or even highlights of their games, and I still think "Jessie Tuggle" when I think "Falcons", but my point is that they should be doing enough exciting things to be plastered all over the media at this point. ATL.

MIA at NE. You think this game is going to be ugly? Just be glad it's not being played in December. NE.

TB at NO. Wow, I remember when both these squads were part of the "up-and-coming" NFC South. Now they're both in the crapper, along with our defending NFC champ Panthers - no wonder Atlanta is undefeated. NO.

CLE at PIT. One of the greatest rivalries of all time, now reduced to the point that it pains you to even imagine watching these teams play each other. Game I Don't Care About of the Week. PIT.

MIN at HOU. Speaking of weak conferences, how about the NFC north? I can't see anyone winning it right now. Certainly not the Vikings, who just lost their only non-headcase talent, Michael Bennett, again. Upset special. HOU.

DAL at NYG. Watching the Giants game just last week, I realized that I had forgotten just how nuts Tom Coughlin really is. There's something very disturbing about watching an old man throw a temper tantrum ... about every five minutes. DAL.

OAK at IND. Nothing really to say here - Did you realize that the Raider's secondary came very close in the last few years to starting two Woodsons (Rod and Chuck) and two Buchannons (Ray and Phil)? IND.

JAX at SD. A small setback for the destiny-laden Jags last week, but they contine to follow my prediction that they will be in every game til the final whistle. JAX.

BUF at NYG. Curtis Martin was originally drafted to replace the incomparable Marion Butts. Yes, he's that old. NYG.

AZ at SF. Finally, Arizona gets to play a team that's not better than them. If they play true to their Cardinals tradition, though, they'll manage to blow it. SF.

STL vs SEA. A team who thinks they're better than they are vs. a team who the media thinks is better than they are. Seattle gets this one as payback for all those games where Marhall Faulk made their defense look like it was using a Tecmo Bowl playbook. SEA.

CAR at DEN. Carolina is toast, just another ex-contender in today's one-and-done NFL. Were dynasties really that bad? DEN.

BAL at WAS. I may not have gotten a lot right in the NFL so far this year, but I still have a couple things to hang my hat on - the Jags' competitiveness and Skins' overratedness. BAL.

TEN at GB. I am angered and depressed but I will not lose faith. GB.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Despite evidence to the contrary, I solemly promise that this site will not turn into an NFL-exclusive blog, although I could probably make more money that way...

OAK at HOU: Leading off with the Game I Don't Care About of the Week. Is there a more obscure unit in football than the Texans' D? If it takes you less than 15 seconds to name a Saftey on their roster you pay way too much attention to football. OAK

NYG at GB: Before last week's GB-IND kickoff, I predicted the Packers would need at least 40 points to win. The way Peyton was going in the first half, it looked like 80 would have been more reasonable. GB.

WAS at CLE: Poor Clevleand fans. It must be a lot less fun to boo scrappy, undersized Jeff Garcia than to boo number-one-overall wimp Tim Couch. WAS

PHI at CHI: I like how everyone in Chicago is bummed now that Rex Grossman is out for the year (not to mention the bummage gained by the Cubs not making the playoffs, but that's another post). Yeah, you guys were really going places. Also, "Rex Grossman" is a stupid name. PHI.

NE at BUF: Can we all just drop the tedious subplots associated with any BUF-NE matchup? It simply boils down to a team that finds ways to win vs. a team that finds ways to lose. NE.

IND at JAX: I'm not one to toot my own horn (just kidding, of course I am), but if Jax keeps on matching my wonderfully prescient predicitions, I won't be able to use them as an upset special anymore. JAX.

CIN at PIT: Can anyone tell me where exactly the Steelers are going? Bill Cowher's got his car stuck in the mud and no amout of floorin' is going to make it better. PIT.

ATL at CAR: I'm dumbfounded that Atlana is 3-0. Even more shocking is the fact that they're not a exciting team right now, even though they have Michael Vick. Trying to enforce a boring game plan with Vick on the field is like trying to make a movie with Jean Claude Van Damme not kicking anyone. CAR.

NO at AZ: Arizona once again is forced by the cruel schedule makers to play a team better than them. Can't there be a non-competive league offered as an alternative? NO.

DEN at TB: I could let Chris have it for calling a Bucs home win against a less-than impressive Denver team an "upset special", but I've used a Bucs loss as my upset special so many times in the past year that I suppose I can let someone else have a turn, ridiculing the Bucs in their own way... DEN.

TEN at SD: Tramped underfoot by the divinity-backed Jags, the Titans will "work out their issues" on the Chargers. TEN.

NYJ at MIA: Hello, Dolly! I've finally figured it out. The Jets' running back isn't Curtis Marin: It's his clone, generated and frozen in 1999; designed to replace the real Curtis once his body began to break down. The real Curtis is now working at a Denny's in northern Vermont. NYJ

STL at SF: They say Bill Walsh knows quarterbacks, but it seems to me like he knows skinny, weakarmed "winners" who, to borrow a phrase that was once used to describe Danny Wuerful, "couldn't throw the ball through a wet paper towel". Is it too late to bring Ty Detmer back from the dead? STL.

KC at BAL: Finally, a prime time audience gets to to experince what is now known as the "Kansas City Experiment": what professional football would be like if tackling people was against the rules. BAL.