Saturday, March 28, 2009

Welcome to the 2008 Hatty Awards!

The general consensus (among myself) was that this year was particularly poor for hats in film, and the Hattys almost didn't happen. Luckily, I changed my mind, and after a bit of research, a clear winner emerged out of nowhere. But first, let's talk about this year's remarkably poor field. A sampler of the best picture nominees yields the following:

Frost/Nixon: very few hats. In fact, I was wondering if Nixon ever wore a hat in his life - which quickly led to this definitive answer, thanks to google image search:

Note the "Don't think I'm not going to remember this humiliation" look in his eye

Milk: very few hats.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button:
Being a period piece, probably has its fair share of hats, but gets seriously downgraded because I hate F. Scott Fitzgerald. Listen, Scott, if that IS your real name (which it isn't), I don't care what what the rich losers in West Egg or East Egg or Pigeon Egg or Pigeon Forge are wasting their lives doing. American kids hate American Literature because they're taught you're the best we have to offer. Faulkner is spinning in his grave. And where do you think you're going, Mr. Dickens? You're responsible for this too. Do you know how many times in my life I've wanted to read a book about street urchins? Zero. Jane Austen could write circles around you with one hand tied behind her back. And she just got even better. But I digress. In any case, Benjamin Button is not going to win.

The Reader: Very few hats.

Slumdog Millionaire: Very few hats

You see what I'm up against. In the end, I only found a couple "conventional" movies that were even worth of consideration: The Changeling, because Angelina Jolie seems to be wearing jockey hat through the entire thing, and Doubt, because nuns are pure gold when it comes to headware. But still, I wasn't very happy with the field, so I did a bit of out-of-the-hatbox thinking, and found the gem known as Presto in the overlooked short-film genre. Shockingly enough, I had actually seen it (unlike everything else I review) because it was attached to Wall-E in theaters. And let me say, the film represents just about everything the Hattys stand for. If anything, it might be a bit too perfect; Pixar clearly put this out just to win the award - but I'm a big enough man to allow shameless pandering in my direction. In any case, a hat (or two hats, precisely) is absolutely central to the film's very existence. No hat, no film - it's that simple. So congratulations, Presto, the most hat-centric movie of 2008.

Soon-to-be-DMCA-takedown-noticed video follows:

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Why do I always think of Phony McRingRing whenever I see any of the new Vista ads?

Phoney: Hi, I'm Phoney McRingRing, mascot and president of the
telephone company, and I'm here to explain why the
convenience of one area code in [splice] your town [end
splice] has been replaced by the convenience of two area
[cut to the audience]
Homer: Uh, I have a question, Phoney.
Lisa: It's a movie, Dad.
Homer: Quiet, honey, Daddy's asking the man a question.
[back to the film]
Phoney: You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are
great, and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees, but
how will I remember all those numbers?"
[opens a closet door, and a huge wall of numbers comes
tumbling out, burying Phoney] Whoa!
Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can
memorize ten numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey?
[cut to the audience]
Wiggum: How big of a monkey?
[back to the film]
Phoney: [laughs] Of course you're not.

Are you stupider than a 4 year old? Because that's the only reason you could possibly dislike the Vista user expereince.

disclaimer: I recently tried Vista SP1 and it's really not that bad if you have a high end machine and customize the heck out of it - I just dont like ads that insult my intelligence