I don't know why this should even be considered a game, considering that there's no way in hell I'd be able to watch it, but anyway...

BAL at CIN: Before the Pittsburgh smackdown last week, I'd have called the upset here, but I can't see the pathetic Cincy D giving up less than 20 points, which should be more than Baltimore needs to win. BAL

Okay...I'm tired of trying to resist...I want a Wii for Christmas.


AZ at MIN. The Vikings get to temporarily turn the Longboat around, but it won't last long. MIN.

CAR at WAS. Washington plans to start Earnest Byner at RB this week. CAR.

CIN at CLE. Cleveland is the "Triple Word Score" in my internal GIDCAOTW scoring. CIN.

HOU at NYJ. Dang it, as we can plainly see, this is the time of year when the previously mentioned GIDCAOTW starts becoming hotly contested. NYJ.

JAX at BUF. The Jags, coming off a huge win, are almost certain to blow a cupcake like this, but I just can't pick Buffalo after having to sit through three hours of Losman earlier this year. JAX.

NO at ATL. Evidently, domes and overhyped teams/players go together very well. ATL.

PIT at BAL. Will you stop trying already, Pittsburgh? We all know it's done. BAL.

SF at STL. The Niners, of course, are the chic pick here, but that would make them 6-5, which is just ludicrous. STL.

OAK at SD. If you haven't figured it out, my support of the Chargers (and correspondingly, Chris's reluctance to support the Chargers) is one of the main reasons I'm on top this year. Remember, Martyball sucks during the playoffs, not the regular season. SD.

CHI at NE. No, the Pats aren't quite as good as they looked last week, and they could get lenient here, but the Bears really need to go down. NE.

NYG at TEN. The Giants are in meltdown mode, perhaps to the point where they would lose to the Titans. Upset special. TEN.

PHI at IND. I have nothing against McNabb, but I do have a great deal against everyone else in Philly, so I'm looking forward to a beatdown here. A.J. Feely or Jeff Garcia, I can't lose! IND.

GB at SEA. Hello, my weekly handicap. GB.

Three games tomorrow? What is this, the CFL?

MIA at DET: Did these teams just play? Wait, no that was the Fins against the other NFC Central Doormat. Anyway, expect the same result. MIA.

TB at DAL: I have to admit, I'm confused by the Tony Romo man love that's rampant right now. I'm not saying he won't turn out to be a decent quarterback, but the media's treating him like he's some Troy Aikman/Michael Vick superhybrid. And by "media" I mean the world leader in content-free sports reporting, ESPN. TB.

DEN at KC: Finally, my prophesy of Denver's downfall is starting to come to fruition. KC.

Just picks this week...

ATL at BAL: I challenge you to name one halfway decent WR playing in this game. I'll check back in later. BAL.

BUF at HOU: The Red & Blue Terrible Two. But when one team starts J.T. Losman (he of the prophetic surname), the pick is a bit easier. HOU.

CHI at NYJ: As much as I'd love to see the Bears lose, the fact that everyone else is calling this as an upset special makes a Jets win very unlikely. CHI.

CIN at NO: Note to Cincy management: Prison labor squads have never been known for their outstanding productivity. NO.

MIN at MIA: After watching last week's Pack/Vikings game, I can state with some confidence that the Packers are at least the second best team in the conference. And that's pretty sad. MIA.

NE at GB: Speaking of which, I really can't think of any reason the Packers would win this game. GB.

OAK at KC: No more wins for you, Oakland. KC.

PIT at CLE: Twice every year this matchup comes around and, just like clockwork, I fail to care about it. CLE.

STL at CAR: With every loss, the Rams' 4-1 start seems more and more laughable. CAR.

TEN at PHI: Still haven't thought of a receiver in the ATL-BAL game? I don't blame you. PHI.

WAS at TB: Watching the national televised Bucs game last week, I realized I had almost forgotten just how big of a #$%#%@ John Gruden is. TB.

DET at ARI: The Cards are in such disarray I doubt they could even beat Oakland. DET.

SEA at SF: Will pretty girl Matt and his buddy Sean be ready? I don't care, I'm calling Upset Special either way. SF.

IND at DAL: Not losin' this week... IND.

SD at DEN: Continue to mark my words, Denver's no good. SD.

NYG at JAX: Two teams that seem to fear success. Jax wins at home by default. JAX.

We'll proceed in a second, but since we've just run though an election of sorts ("sorts" here meaning "democrats"), I thought I'd pass along this fun cartograms link that blends politics with two things I care more about, computer science and geography. Also make sure to check out this set as well.

BAL at TEN- This game involves Steve McNair, so I immediately start thinking ...Oilers. Sorry, but the man is just hardwired to that team in my head (also Eddie George), and there's nothing I can do about it. Somehow, Houston is not actually involved in this game. How odd. TEN.

BUF at IND- I feel sick from watching last week's Buffalo Game. J.P. Losman plays as if he can only use 2 of his 5 senses it any given time (last week, he went without vision, touch, and taste). IND.

CLE at ATL- Cleveland is thinking about changing their name from the Browns to the Invisibles. ATL.

GB at MIN- I don't care what else happens, just beat the Vikings and things will be ok... GB.

HOU at JAX- Alright, Jags, just take care of business here and we can start repairing our relationship. JAX.

KC at MIA- Can the Dolphins go two in a row? Against the too-good-to-be-true Chiefs, probably. Upset special. MIA.

NYJ at NE- An angry Pats team at home? It's times like these I'm glad we're not picking against the spread. NE.

SD at CIN- The Chargers will eventually fall apart, but the Bengals are way ahead of them at this stage in the game. SD.

SF at DET- Detroit loses a pivotal battle for draft standing. Don't worry, Matt Millen would just have wasted it anyway. DET.

WAS at PHI- Yeah, Philly's headed down the crapper, but it would be pretty ridiculous to support the Skins, wouldn't it? PHI.

DEN at OAK- Wait, what? Didn't this just happen? Friggin' no good Denver. You're definitely number one on my "Teams I Desperately Want To Be Exposed as the Frauds They Are" list. DEN.

DAL at ARI- Good use of GIDCAOTW here... DAL.

NO at PIT- The Steelers are once again doing their best to come out on top of the Bengals, this time in "most disappointing" standings. NO.

STL at SEA- Remember when people thought the Rams were going somewhere? That was hilarious, wasn't it? I would like to see them stick it to the Seahawks here, though. STL.

CHI at NYG- I didn't have the guts to call the Bears upset last week, but it sure is an easier road here. NYG.

TB at CAR- You have to hand it to the Buccaneers, somehow convincing the national media that they're still relevant. The media was so high on the Bucs in the Sapp and Keyshawn days that they still haven't come down. It's disgusting. CAR.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've thrown a little random quote generator over on the right, mainly just so I can say I'm on the PHP bandwagon. I apologize for the underwhelming quotes list the thing is currently running off of, I'll be attempting to find and parse together a better list some time in the near future.

But lets get back to picks, shall we?

ATL at DET. Gah, I almost did it, but came to my senses. NEVER PICK DETROIT IN AN UPSET SPECIAL! ATL.

CIN at BAL. The Bengals have to right their ship right now, and Baltimore is hopelessly overconfident. Brian Billick's ego needs to be knocked down about seven pegs. CIN.

DAL at WAS. Is this still a rivalry? WAS.

GB at BUF. The Green Bay pendulum is now swinging the other way, allowing easy wins against Chris week after week. GB.

HOU at NYG. I'm not sure I want to put the Giants in the contender category yet, but Houston just lost to the Titans. Passing on the overrated but still dangerous Reggie Bush and about 4 other future pro bowlers in the top 10 picks is the kind of damage that turns your franchise into the Clippers of the NFL. NYG.

KC at STL. Kansas City's winning record is the most amazing stat of the year. Somewhere, Dick Vermeil is crying, but don't ask me why. KC.

MIA at CHI. I'd love to trash the Bears here with an upset special, but when it means supporting Joey Harrington, I simply have to pass. CHI.

NO at TB. Noodle-armed Bruce Gradowski is Danny Wuerffel without the Heisman. NO.

TEN at JAX. There was a time when I was tight with the Jags, but I must have said something that offended them, because they're going against me every week now. JAX.

MIN at SF. I think Minnesota is ripe for a double-whammy loss, but the Niners are just too terrible to threaten here. MIN.

CLE at SD. Can a team featuring electric talents like Tomlinson and Gates be in my Game I Don't Care About of the Week? When they play the Browns, they can. GIDCAOTW. SD.

DEN at PIT. Noodle-armed Ben Roethlisberger is Danny Wuerffel without the Heisman and without a brain. DEN.

IND at NE. Eh, I'm tired of this matchup, to be honest with you. NE.

OAK at SEA. Haw haw, ESPN you get screwed again. Boy am I excited to hear their lead-in material for this one. Upset Special (but NOT because I think the Raiders are worth anything). OAK.