Sunday, December 26, 2004

I'm barely alive a near-fatal dose of presents, tackle football, stuffing, Halo 2, and egg nog yesterday, but I'll try to struggle through the rest of this weeks' picks:

ATL at NO: I'll learn my lesson from the Denver game yesterday and never again pick against tendencies in a game where only one team cares about the result. Even if that team is the Saints. NO

BAL at PIT: I'm not sure which is scarier, Big Ben vs. the Ravens' D or Kyle Boller vs. the Steelers' D. Things could get ugly. PIT

CHI at DET: I carelessly picked Detroit in a upset last week, and ignorance of my own iron law may very well end up costing me the picks crown this year. DET

HOU at JAX: Do you remember that some people considered the Texans playoff contenders at the midpoint of the season? We'll I guess lots of people look stupid in 20-20 hindsight. JAX

NYG at CIN: To think, keeping Kurt Warner at QB may have been enough to get the Giants into the playoffs this year ... no wonder Tom Coughlin is always angry ... CIN

SD at IND: The Chargers may be my AFC darlings, but no one can escape the buzzsaw that is the Colts right now. IND.

BUF at SF: I don't care what anyone else says, any team that starts out 1-5 is officially eliminated from the playoffs. BUF.

NE at NYJ: True Fact: Curtis Martin, not an asteroid, killed the Dinosaurs. NYJ.

AZ at SEA: Technically, the Cardinals are still in playoff contention. Realistically, Seattle is pathetic, but probably not pathetic enough to lose to the Cardinals at home. SEA

CAR at TB: If the Panthers can't manage to beat the Bucs, especially in the PG (Post-Grammatica) era, they obviously don't deserve to be in the playoffs. CAR

WAS at DAL: Folks, this is what happens when you let people who should be in assisted-living communities run professional football teams. DAL

CLE at MIA: Wow, a landslide decision for "Game I Don't Care About Of the Week" here. Is it just me or has Cleveland pretty much monopolized this title? MIA.

PHI at STL: Silly, silly Chris - letting your hatred of the Rams get in the way of what should be an even greater hatred of the Eagles. STL.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

It looks like the NFL picks crown is going to come right down to the wire, unlike the situation in my Fantsay Football league, where I just thumped Chris in the playoffs...

GB at MIN: Last week, the Packers lost to an substandard team, but the Vikings nearly lost to Joey Harrington. GB.

OAK at KC: "Once-Great Rivalry That's Now Just Sort Of Depressing" of the week. Two bad teams, one team of quitters makes for an easy pick. KC.

DEN at TEN: It appears that Billy Volek has signed the "Kurt Warner Special" deal with the devil - unfortunately, he traded in his soul after the Titans' playoff hopes were long gone. TEN.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Finally, what we've all been thinking has been confirmed by the national media - in this case, ESPN:

HOU at CHI: Guess what, Bears - Jon Shoop wasn't the reason your offense sucks. You can't "open up the offense" when your receiving options are Bobby Wade, Justin Gage, and David Terrell, a.k.a. "Randy Moss without talent" HOU.

BUF at CIN: Cincy's probably on a low after recently kissing their slim playoff hopes goodbye, while Buffalo has found out how much fun it is to play football when you were eliminated from contention by week 4. BUF.

SD at CLE: Who'd have thought, the Chargers are actually better without David ("The Cream"/"The Clear") Boston. Makes you wonder how many wins Miami would have if Boston stayed healthy for them. I'd guess about -2. SD.

MIN at DET: If the Vikes can lose in Chicago, they just might be able to lose in Detroit... DET.

SEA at NYJ: The last week or so, the Jets have started to show signs of self-destruction, but nobody out-self-destructs the Seahawks. The only way to determine Curtis Martin's age is through carbon dating. NYJ.

DAL at PHI: I'll say it right now: Philadelphia will not win the Super Bowl. Period. Trust Me. PHI.

DEN at KC: Now that Dirk Vermeil knows about Jake Plummer's horrifying secret, he'll stop using high-powered magnets on defense - this approach has proven quite useless against non-robots. DEN.

NO at TB: Last week, the Saints realized they were in danger of losing their "underachievers" label in favor of the "just plain bad" label, and managed to do something about it. This week, there is less danger, as they're once again talking about playoffs. TB

STL at AZ: If you're a cards fan and you feel bad about your stash of QB's, one look across the field this week at Mr. Chandler should brighten your holiday spirits. AZ.

JAX at GB: This, more than anything else, should prove that I'm the one doing picks this year, and not Lisa. GB

TEN at OAK. It always amazes me how Norv Turner can get keep on getting head coach jobs despite regularly proving he's a bad head coach. Maybe owners are wooed by his sexy haircut. TEN

BAL at IND: I respect the Ravens' defense as much as the next guy, but the Colts just have too many healthy weapons. Ray Leweis & Ed Reed can't cover everyone. IND.

NE at MIA: Upset Spe... yeah, right. NE

Friday, December 17, 2004

The NFL seems to be getting more & more liberal with their scheduling these days - what's next, a game on Monday Night?

PIT at NYG. Not a good way to start the weekend. I'm now taking bets on how long it will be before Tom Coughlin makes Eli Manning cry in public. PIT.

WAS at SF. Oh, the horror. The team owned by a jerk who spends too much vs. the team owned by the wife of a jerk who doesn't spend anything. WAS.

CAR at ATL. Carolina is a top-3 team in the NFC, and I'm certainly not going to start picking the Falcons now, not after an entire year's worth of belittling. CAR.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

A real tag from Lisa's Old Navy jacket:

I hope Old Navy is trying to be tongue-in-cheek with this, but the scary thing is that 90% of their customers already act like it's an iron-clad law.

And in any case, I hate their stupid holiday commercials....

In the world of NFL picks, it's nice to see that Chris only occasionally provides commentary these days, but still finds time to slander the integrity of these posts. Apathy and Desperation? Perhaps the constant pressure to keep up with me is taking its toll...

CHI at JAX: The Jags might not be good enough to beat decent teams these days, but they're good enough to beat the not-actually-decent Bears. JAX

IND at HOU: I'm sorry, but "The Slot Machine" (for Brendan Stokley) is one of the better nicknames I've heard in a long time. IND

NO at DAL: With Julius Jones, Dallas has gone from "terrible" to "bad". And "bad" is good enough for a playoff slot in the NFC. DAL

CLE at BUF: One often-overlooked aspect of Buffalo's turnaround - In all likelihood, we'll now get to enjoy several more years of watching comically lead-footed Drew Bledsoe "run". BUF.

NYG at BAL: What the Ravens are about to do to Eli Manning is considered "Assault of a Minor" in most states. BAL

OAK at ATL: It's all downhill from here, Falcons. Upset Special. OAK.

CIN at NE: Cincy's little joyride ends here and now. The Pats' single loss came at a nearly perfect time, after the record was broken, but before any serous late-season momentum was built up. - NE

SEA at MIN: Minny will choke before all is said & done, but Seattle's ready to fall off the face of the earth. MIN

MIA at DEN: Oh, and speaking of falling of the face of the earth... This week the Broncos are granted a one-week reprieve when they host the Sardines. Jake Plummer will only throw 3 interceptions. DEN

NYJ at PIT: Little known fact - Curtis Martin's longevity is due in large part to the out-patient mummification procedure he had done a little over 3000 years ago. PIT.

TB at SD: No reason to think Brees, Gates, & Co. won't keep on rolling. Just toss that deadweight Tomlinson already. SD

SF at AZ: Is there really any question? "Game I Don't Care About Of The Week" AZ.

STL at CAR: Carolina, without doing much at all, looks like the 2nd best team in the NFC right now. I'm very, very scared. CAR.

DET at GB: Detroit: The NFL's Prozac. Last time the Packers played them, they were in the dumps at 1-4. After leaving Detroit with a win, they won their next six. We can expect a similar turnaround this week. GB

PHI at WAS: You might think I've truly gone too far here, but even after watching last week's Packer drubbing, I'm still not impressed with the Eagles as a team (McNabb is alright, though, I guess) PHI

KC at TEN: With all the injuries here, only two things are guaranteed: Dick Vermiel will wince and Jeff Fisher will have a stupid mustache. TEN

Saturday, December 04, 2004

I'm in an exceptionally uncreative mood today, and it's been a very boring week, so I guess we'll just go right to the picks.

MIN at CHI: The only reason Minny won last week was because they had the refs in their pocket. Either that or the refs forgot what "holding" is. The Vikings may very well lose this game, but I simply can't make myself pick the Bears, who apparently use a "Press Your Luck"-type-system in picking their quarterback every week. Obviosly, Jeff George is The Whammy. MIN

NE at CLE: Well, the Browns certainly won't be any worse than they were under Butch Davis. If your crazy great uncle dies, but doesn't leave you anything in the will, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing - you know what I'm saying? "Game I Don't Care About Of The Week". NE

AZ at DET: Gosh, I feel sick about picking the Lions. But .... John Navarre? DET

TEN at IND: I love you, Peyton Manning. And to think, players like Marshall Faulk and Kevan Barlow were taken ahead of him in my fantasy league ... IND

SF at STL: I'm always thinking to myself, "surely Mike Martz can't do something remarkably arrogant and boneheaded every week, right?". Well, he can. And does. And I'm always pleasantly surprised. On the other hand, against the Niners, he probably could run fake field goals on every play and get away with it. STL.

BUF at MIA: Ah yes, a great time to bust out the newly coined "Once-Great Rivalry That's Now Just Kinda Depressing Of The Week" label. BUF.

CAR at NO: Hope you're enjoying Mike McKenzie, New Orleans- clearly, your team didn't have enough idiots on it already. CAR.

HOU at NYJ: Litte-Known Fact: The black guy in Gladiator is actually portraying Curtis Martin in his younger days, when he was up-and-coming defensive back for a Carthagian semi-pro team. NYJ.

ATL at TB: I still want to hate Tampa Bay, but Coach Chucky just made things much more difficult by releasing Martin Grammatica and Bill Schroeder. TB.

CIN at BAL: Cincy, welcome back to the NFL. As part of your re-orientation, Ray Lewis will eat you. BAL.

DEN at SD: It's sort of slipped under the radar, but Denver is almost becoming Saints-like with their late-season collapses. SD.

KC at OAK: "Once-Great Rivalry That's Now Just Kinda Depressing Of The Week" part deux. Dick Vermiel should give some crying tips to Norv Turner, he can use them every time he looks out on the field and sees Kerry Collins "leading" the team. KC.

GB at PHI: I see these teams as being nearly equal talent wise, but the fact that the Eagles have already clinched the cesspool known as the NFC east more than offsets their home field advantage. GB.

NYG at WAS: Despite the fact that their last win was sometime in July, the Giants are still in the playoff race, and should be not-terrible enough to beat the impotent Skins. NYG.

PIT at JAX: As mentioned before, the Jags got robbed last week. Now, they need a win as bad as anyone in the NFL, and that should be enough to win against the ... dare I say it? .... legit Steelers. JAX

DAL at SEA: Something is terribly wrong in the Pacific Northwest, but I'm pretty sure the Seahawks have already clinched their divison. If they're playing anyone but the DB-challenged Cowboys, anywhere but in Seattle, this goes the other way. SEA.