15-17 And I'm in first place? I'm beginning to feel like the San Diego Padres....

ATL at BUF: The Bills aren't very good, but they're better than all the NFC West trash that Atlanta usually gets to play. BUF.

CIN at CHI: I'll extend my promise from last year: If Chicago wins the NFC North, I'll eat my hat. CIN.

TB at GB: Ugh. This is going to be quite the handicap all year long. GB.

CLE at IND: Lucas's mortal lock: Indy at home. IND.

TEN at STL: Picking the Titans here guarantees a Ram win and goes against my week-old promise to never pick the Titans again, but I refuse to support Mike Martz in any concievable way. TEN.

CAR at MIA: Congrats to Carolina, making me 2-0 in upset special games. CAR.

NO at MIN: If someone asked me, "Would you rather see the Vikings and Packers both win, or the Vikings and Packers both lose?", I would have to opt for the latter. It's the only reason I'm still sane right now. NO.

JAX at NYJ: If the Jags' D can hold Indy to 10, they should be able to take care of the Jets. JAX.

OAK at PHI: Keep in mind, Philly hasn't beaten an NFL team yet this year. Upset Special. OAK.

DAL at SF: This used to be the marquee matchup in NFL. Now it's my "Game I Don't Care About of the Week." DAL.

AZ at SEA: Congrats, Cards. You're my insult pick three weeks in a row - and the insult just keeps getting worse. ARI.

NE at PIT: Hopefully Chris keeps picking the Pats, which will somewhat offset my own Packer pick stupidity. PIT.

NYG at SD: Here's hoping the Chargers make little whining Eli Manning realize that the Giants weren't such a great option after all. SD.

KC at DEN. Signs point to a KC loss, but I'm starting to think this will end up being Denver's "Total System Collapse" year. KC.

DET at CHI: Just to be clear, the Detroit win last week had nothing to do with Detroit. However, I just can't pick the Bears, who will probably get outscored by the MLS's Chicago Fire this year. DET

MIN at CIN: And so the vindication begins. CIN

BAL at TEN: I have no friggin clue why I keep jumping on the Titans bandwagon at the start of each year. If I start picking them again, feel free to slap me. BAL

JAX at IND: Indy at home is a no-brainer pick this year. IND

SF at PHI: Oh San Francisco, coming through as my upset special, the only positive NFL-related event in my life from last week. I'd love to pick you again, but I'm not that stupid. PHI

BUF at TB: The Media, who took exactly one week to shift their "darling" status from the Vikings to the Bucs, will realize that Tampa Bay's victory last week was almost entirely due to the Vikings, who have a combined team IQ of about 87 (Mike Tice's is -6) TB

NE at CAR: New England is bound to lose a few games this year. Upset Special. CAR

PIT at HOU: Houston should have housed the New Orleans refugees in Reliant Stadium, there's really no football being played in there anyway. PIT

STL at AZ: Last week I used the Cardinals as a tool to insult the Giants. Next up, Mike Martz. AZ

ATL at SEA: Quick - when was the last time Atlanta played a good team? (Note: Philly is not a good team) ATL

SD at DEN: My close personal friend Antonio Gates is back and ready to roll. SD

CLE at GB: I have nothing positive to say about the Packers, and nothing at all to say about the irrelevant Browns. GB

MIA at NYJ: Not buying the Miami win against the Broncos, who pretty much define mediocrity nowadays. NYJ

KC at OAK: It's going to take more than one week to convince me that KC's D is above subpar (Or simply "par", I guess). Larry Johnson gets the "Idiot of the Week" award. OAK

NYG at NO: Is it too soon to start insulting the Saints again? I guess I'll wait another week or two. NO

WAS at DAL: Almost two weeks of picks and so far I've completely neglected the "Game I Don't Care About of the Week" tag. Well, not anymore. DAL

Now, for the real start of the season:

HOU at BUF: Is this Houston's year to break through and finally start winning? No. BUF

CIN at CLE: Speaking of not winning, it's going to be a looooong year in Cleveland. No quarterback, no running back, no crazy head coach, no crazy tight end... They won't just be bad, they'll be boring bad, the worst kind of bad. CIN

NYJ at KC: There's still no D in Kansas City, although fans will be consoled by having a coach named "Gunther". NYJ.

DEN at MIA: Nick Saban looks poised to follow in Steve Spurrier's footsteps as a pathetically overmatched college coach. DEN

TB at MIN: Chris appears to be joining the vast media hordes proclaiming how the Vikings will be better without Randy Moss. For shame - although Moss is a detestable human being, he alters games like no other reciever. Against the punchless Bucks, however, the point is moot. MIN.

TEN at PIT: Look for the Titans to make some hay during the 5 minutes Steve McNair is healthy this year. TEN

CHI at WAS: Kyle Orton is no Rex Grossman, Rex Grossman is no Shane Matthews, Shane Matthews is no Jim Miller, and Jim Miller is no Dave Krieg. WAS.

NO at CAR: I'd like to say I'm rooting for the Saints this year for all the right reasons, but it's really because Deuce is on my fantasy team. NO.

SEA at JAX: I want to see Byron Lefwich, who I've always been quick to defend, start repaying me with a few important victories, especially against Matt "Little Girl" Hasselbeck and the chronically underachieving Seahawks. JAX.

GB at DET: You gotta hand it to Detroit and their wonderful "Best Wide Reciver Available" draft strategy, guarateeing years and years of suckiness despite a constant steam of top-ten picks. GB.

AZ at NYG: Oh, how the Giants have fallen: A predicted loss against the Cardinals, and it doesn't even qualify as an upset special. AZ.

DAL at SD: Free advice for the Chargers: Nate Kaeding was solid in the regular season, but you shouldn't go into the playoffs with a six-year-old as your kicker. SD.

STL at SF: Take that, Mike Martz: The ultimate insult. SF. Upset Special.

IND at BAL: I cannot believe I'm picking Kyle Boller over Peyton Manning, but the Colts aren't invincible on grass, and the Ravens have angry criminals on both sides of the ball. BAL.

PHI at ATL: Instead of spending one second talking about any of the big names in this matchup, I will offer simple words of encouragement to both teams:
Atlanta-"If you think you were really an 11-win team last year, you're high."
Philly-"Shut up."
PHI.

Curse you, NFL Kickoff Weekend! - I completely forgot I had to make picks by Thursday night. I would have picked NE (obviously, considering my disdain for Randy Moss and the laughability of Kerry Collins) but alas, I find out the game has already started and the score is 17-14. Chris, use your better judgment in deciding whether or not this pseudo-pick counts for me, we all know it won't matter in the end...